To refuse an offer is an insult. I know that.
But I just can’t. Or in the back of my mind, doubting if I can.
My High School alma mater asked me to be their guest speaker this graduation. Oh, IT IS A BIG HONOR. It is a dream.
But I said NO. For a number of reasons I guess.
First of all, I am not ready. I mean, I am in a stage of my life when I am still seeking success. I know being successful isn’t a requirement to speak in front and inspire graduates but I am doubting if I could really have the wisdom to say the right words to do that. I am young, and lacking experience. I can dive deep in introspection and deliver some sweet metaphors of encouragement and stories to share. But I am not contented of that. I know I can do better in years to come. It’s premature. I want to be a full term bouncing baby up there.
Secondly, my time schedule is not my friend. Working as a nurse in a hospital has stretched me up to my sleep-wake cycles and untimely day offs. In as much as having a leave of absence would be that easy to do (I am afraid filing and providing a valid argument through a letter to the chief nurse is not easy), I am not risking the fact that I am still a trainee now. The school is in the province and I don’t know if my request for a leave could be considered. I’ll have to absent for two days the least. I could not afford that.
Some other petty reasons would be:
I don’t have something good to wear.
I am afraid of speaking in public. Might as well distribute my speech and let them read it.
My ex would be there, I think.
I don’t know what to say.
I am really dismayed of myself for not grabbing the opportunity. But I am sure that there will be a right time for me. I still see my self in formal wear and standing on that school stage delivering my speech in front of graduates —sharing a piece of my thoughts about life, the value of education, family, friends, and being thankful of everything; hopefully to inspire them to keep on striving hard for what they want. *sigh*
But I was comforted by the words of my past mentor. She said it’s ok, though they’ll need to find another one, but it’s ok. I breathed with that.
However, towards the end of the 4-minute call, she said maybe next time.
I say, maybe.