Sometimes, it just feels like there’s so much more I could offer. Sometimes, it feels like it would be a really great thing to be a doctor.
Maybe I’m just getting sick and tired of carrying out badly written (as the penmanship goes) doctor’s orders. And besides, I have a bad penmanship too! Now that’s a solid reason.
But you see, taking that bold step isn’t that easy. That bold step might just require me to strip and get naked. I mean, push me to my limits and all.
I believe I might have the I.Q. required (a bit boastful eh?) but I still think I am not that worthy after all the lapses I make even as a nurse. What if I killed a patient? Or let him die because of my incapacity?
Responsibility. Yes, that’s what I’ve been dreading. Being the captain of the ship sure could get my nerves in ecstatic punishment. I sometimes would get irritated by some doctors who bark like mad dogs during the last hours of their 24-hour shift. I’m afraid I might do even worse. I have good patience, but I only work 8 hours. Can I extend that to 24? After the lack of sleep, physical exhaustion and all, I doubt that.
Perhaps another petty reason would be my financial status. My younger sister has just graduated and is still unable to earn for herself, and my parents have just been starting to relax and save after spending so much for us to finish college. To add more, our house needs repair, my father’s a bit ill and is on maintenance medications, my mother’s not that young, and I sooner or later might get married (if ever I stumbled onto her, or realize it’s her all along, or the other way around)…
You see, when I’m trying to ask my parents if I can study medicine, these considerations hold me back.
It has been two years since I graduated college. To be honest, I missed being a student. With all the allowances, doing homework, taking exams, attending lectures, going along with friends; I miss the intramurals and all other school activities. I missed the thrill of inquiring for our grades. I miss the chairs, the elevator, the library, the white board. I missed school.
So I ask myself: Do I really want to be a doctor someday? Or do I just want to be student again?
I would also enjoy studying education (and going back to school everyday) and be a teacher, but a shrug from Papa is all I get. Not the same reaction when I mentioned the possibility of studying medicine though. I might have a better chance on the latter.
But I want my parents to BREATHE. It would be such a hard time for them earning (or borrowing) money for this RN to be an MD.
In the end, I guess the appropriate question would be:
Do I really want this dream to come true?
Or can I be contented as to what I already have the power to do?
Making the most of what I got, I have to say.
Perhaps only a win from a lottery would push me. That, if I decided to even bet.
_________________
In response to the Daily Prompt.
realdale 