All Over Again

History repeats itself.

Talaga nga ba?

Announcing the arrival of … *drum roll*… another crazy girl. Well, she’s beyond that, so I’ll tag her “XD”. That smiley seem to fit her anyway.

It was another boring night that I settled myself surfing the net reading about the latest news, trying to keep up with Survivor Caramoan episodes when my facebook chatbox turned red and her name popped up.

“Ang arte naman… :(”  was her message.  Confused she might have just mis-sent the message, I inquired. Only to find out she had PMed me ever since February telling me that…she likes me. Haha

What a conversation starter! The fact is, she’s a quite beautiful young lady. Chicks kumbaga. 

Tatagalugin ko na mula dito kasi kokonti na lang English ko sa bulsa. At para na rin mabagot siya, kung sakaling mapadaan siya dito (naiinis siya magbasa ng tagalog).

Ayun na nga, tumaas ang pulso ko nun. Crush daw ako? ha? Eh isang beses nga lang kitang nakita ng personal? At bakit biglaan? Ano yun? just one night, you happen to scroll by my facebook account and then boom! you decided to make me your next boy. hahaha

Ang yabang ko noh? Chance ko na sanang magka girlfriend, nang hindi nag-eeffort! pero, ang sagwa naman. Kaya sumakay na lang ako sa trip nya. Ooops! It’s not what you think it is. Dahil nurse nga ako, ginamit ko ang natutunan tungkol sa Therapeutic Communication (oh, the Psychiatry days). At si XD ang aking pasyente. Manic with sexually provocative behavior  .

Ewan ko kung naging therapeutic nga ba ako or nakasama pa. Presenting reality ang una kong tactic. Sinabi ko kung anong klaseng tao ako…kung gaano ako kasama, ka-boring, ka-weird pero ayaw paawat si ate, “I like you. Period.” daw. Akalain mo yun? Pero sabi din naman niya, “alam kong may mahal ka…”

Alam mo naman pala eh! 

Hiningi nya number ko. Sinubukan kong ilihis ang usapan pero baka maglaslas ng pulso kaya binigay ko na lang. At ng mapansin nyang hindi ko hiningi ang number niya, binigay nya na rin lang. Sinave ko naman sa phone sakali magtext, alam kong siya yun.

Business student siya. Naisip ko… ano to? selling yourself? baka project niyo lang to sa finals ah!? Sa halip, inaya ko na lang siyang maging kaibigan muna kami. Magkakilala ng mas maigi. Counter attack naman niya, “mas maganda, thrilling.” Pero hindi papatalo ang bida niyo, depensa ko naman, “dangerous!”

Masarap ang instant mami. Pero masama sa kidney.

Walang pakundangang ni-like niya halos lahat ng mga profile pic ko sa fb. Ni raid ang mga albums. Bumisita dito sa blog. At hindi masyadong nagbasa. Mabuti na lang. Malabo daw mata niya at hindi kayang magbasa ng matagal. Teka, wait, malabo ang mata?! yun na nga! “Baka hindi mo nakikita ng klaro kung gaano ako kapangit?”

Pero ayaw paawat eh. 3 days daw. Maghihintay siya. Yes or No.

Ito ba yung tinatawag na 3-day sale sa business? marketing strategy? kailangan may deadline para ma pressure ang mamimili na bumili kahit hindi rin naman talaga kailangan?

The following day ay bombarded na ako ng texts like “kumain ka na?” Ingat ka..sa pagkain, pagtulog, pag-uwi…” seriously? ingat sa pagtulog? anong delikado sa pagtulog? sa pagkain?

Bagamat dapat sana’y natutuwa ako sa ginagawa niya, simpleng pagka-miss lang ang nararamdaman ko. Nagbabalik ang mga alaala at munting lihim na pangarap na sana’y ang taong minamahal ko ang siyang nag-aalala sa akin ng ganito. Na miss ko si mama. 😉

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It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. –Prof. Dumbledore

And I chose to break her heart… take it slow.

The thing is, naging lesson na sa akin ang nakaraan. Na hindi dapat minamadali ang pag-ibig. Sabi ni XD, baka maging kagaya daw ang kwento namin dun sa pelikulang Wedding Daze. Ngunit pelikula lang yun. Gawa ng imahinasyon. Hindi tunay.

Pero nagpapasalamat pa rin ako, dahil nagsilbing pampukaw pa rin siya sa natutulog na ako. Dahilan upang muli kong buksan ang puso. Timbangin ang mga bagay bagay. Malaman kung alin ang nagpapaligaya sa akin ng tunay. Maging loyal.

God puts everything for a reason. She is either a blessing or a lesson.

She is a lesson. She made me realize that only Sam could make me feel happy in spite of the little things she do. Nothing compares. She is the only one who clears my mind, making me capable of writing. An inner source of inspiration that bathes my soul.

________________

History repeats itself.        If we let it.

 

 

History repeats itself.         To give us a second chance to make things right.

 

 

 

The Most Recent Nightmare

Is it really that awkward?

I kept thinking with all the possibilities of it. Me and her. Eating together. Holding hands while walking. Enjoying each other’s company. That day when we cross the boundaries of friendship. Me escaping the friendzone at last!

Day dreaming. That’s what all it is. Until it became nightmare lived.

Last night, I dreamt of that same situation. I was walking with her, hands on the shoulder, to a canteen. We were finding a table but it was all busy we chose to sit with someone. “Share a table, win a friend”, the post on the wall says. Only to find out it was her ex. The one she fell head-over-heels  with. The one who have destroyed her life…almost. Not until she pulled herself out of that pit. She came out wounded and feeling dirty from that dungeon. Even inadequate.

Waking up on a dark rainy morning,  I have begin to realize how uncomfortable it might be. Might not be as much to me, but to her. What are we gonna talk about when we already have talked about almost every topic in our lives? What’s there to discover when you already know the person from head to toe, split ends to in-grown nails? Is lack of mystery in a relationship a problem?

There’s always something to discover. You can never know a person completely. Because even he/she doesn’t know herself well enough.

Would it rather be better to have a relationship with someone you don’t know completely? It would be a big risk.

But it is a bigger risk to endanger the years of friendship we have. Why? Are we thinking of a relationship that would never work? Perhaps yes. We’re two coward fools. What is courage anyway?

At this point, Love is much complicated than solving a rubik’s cube. A song says “Love will keep us alive” yet another shouts “Too much love will kill you”!

Okay, that was all random. haha did I make sense?

When all is done and nothing’s changed. I bet it’s time. To move on.

That’s all for now.

_____________

And this is my recent nightmare I’m hoping I could wake up from.

 

You On a Monday Morning…

 

It has been awhile since I last dreamt of you

I wonder what brought me up again this instance

When love, hate, and longing is back,

Missing you now,

A lot.

 

In my dream…

I saw you with someone else,

Trudging the road where everybody else

All smiling and laughing, his arms on your shoulder

Kept you close to him,

I am in the background

Doesn’t matter.

 

Oh, how magnificent news could it be,

To hear you parted ways with him, permanently

The borrowed time we have together,

Could we make it last forever?

 

A big NO you would say,

That would never happen,

In my dismay

Your heart’s been broken by his arrogance

Can you let me fix it,

Give me the chance?

 

I will understand no matter how hurtful your decision may be,

For I know, A friend, that’s all you want me to be

But this poor fellow will always be here for you

Just turn around, remember

You can lean on me too.